I've Got A Woman - Ray Charles
Am I Blue - Billie Holiday
Herein lies three topics that leave me scratching my head a bit, lately. Maybe it's because I'm getting old (Year 33 is only a little over two months away) or maybe not. I don't know.
1. Duck Lips/Tongues Hanging Out Selfies:
Look, I have no problem with selfies as long as they're done in moderation. Moderation being the key word. Trust me. The majority of your social media buddies won't forget what you look like if you only post a selfie once or twice a week.
What I don't understand is the popularity of a couple of selfies poses. What is so attractive about making kissie faces all the time. Did a yellow jacket sting your mouth and you want to show me your swollen lips?
Are tonsils suddenly the new "Hot" feature? Is that why you have to take pics of your tongue hanging out? So we can see your lovely tonsils and adenoids? Are you five years old and want to show me what color your sucker turned your tongue?
These are the questions I ask myself when I see these species of selfies. I don't care if you're a chick or a dude. Neither of these poses are attractive in my book.
Maybe we would all be better off if we asked ourselves a few simple questions when tempted to do one of the poses mentioned above.
Am I a world famous male supermodel named Zoolander?
Am I Miley?
Am I a pop diva or a geriatric "rock star"?
Lastly, am I a majestic waterfowl?
If your answer is no to any or all of these, then maybe you should just consider a simple smile instead.
P.S. Do not even get me started on the "Sparrow Eyes" trend.
2. Men and The Inability to Zip Up and Re-buckle While Still in the Bathroom.
Seriously, guys!! It takes one extra second in the bathroom/restroom/porta-potty/outhouses to zip up your pants and re-buckle your belt while still in bathroom. I don't understand why you think it's better to do this in public. Why you would want to risk The Flash by doing The Zip in public?
Are your facilities so putrid that to be in them for one more second than necessary will literally kill you? Is it some kind of bro code that The Zip must be done public? Is it a notice to the world that you conquered the bathroom and the sound of a zipper being closed is your war cry?
3. People Who Call Me Back Before Checking the Voice Mail I Just Left.
Here's a script of how this usually goes.
Me: Calls Person. Person doesn't answer. I leave a detailed voice mail for the reason for my call.
Person: (calls back 10 minutes later) Hi. Yes, I see I missed a call from you.
Me: Yes, you got my message?
Person: No, I didn't check my messages. I just saw you called. What did you call for?
Me: You didn't listen to my message?
Person: No, I didn't want to take the time to listen to it.
Me (Externally): Oooookay, well I called to tell you.... relays message for the second time.
Me (Internally): Why did I even leave you a message if you weren't going to listen to it? Didn't you tell me to leave you a message if you didn't pick up your phone? Now I have tell you the entire message again. I'm not the biggest fan of talking on the phone, and now you're making me to do it more! Thank you for extending my agony.
All right. Old lady rant over. Chang out.
