Things I Just Don't Understand: Holiday Edition

Music: Linus and Lucy by Vince Guaraldi
            Arabesque Cookie by Duke Ellington
            Sugar Rum Cherry by Duke Ellington

Elf On the Shelf

Okay, who in the name of Frosty the Snowman thought up such a weird, honestly super creepy tradition??

A floppy, dead eyed elf that only comes alive at night, leaving mischief and mayhem in his wake. Oh sure, sometimes he leaves little gifts, but only after he hurls a bag of flour across the kitchen or dyes the milk blood red.

I mean, if it was any other creature in folklore other than an elf, this would be grounds for a horror movie!

(Seriously creepy...)

Oh sure, I can hear all the excuses:

1. But he's so cute!
2. The kids love all his pranks!
3. He only does things that are a little naughty.
4. And the kids love his little presents, and it makes it seem like Christmas lasts the whole month!
5. Oh lighten up, you old Grinch. You'll understand when you get kids.

To which I say a big fat nope to all!

1. That glassy eyed Chucky wannabe is not cute. Evil maybe, but not cute.
2. If your kid tried to pull the pranks that gnome "pulls", they would be grounded for a month straight.
3. A little naughty is still naughty. Do you want to teach your kids that it's okay to be naughty?
4. Parents, the holidays are a bat crap crazy busy time. Do you really need to add buying more gifts and having to remember to move a stuffed toy to a different locale every day to your already lengthy list?
5. Pretty sure having kids is off my plate, so I guess I'll never understand. Oh shucky darn. Grinch out.

So if this creature ever shows up at my house, I'm calling the Winchesters Boys ASAP to come exorcise this little demon. *runs out to buy all the salt in the grocery store*

(Just try telling me that he's not just waiting to suck your soul from your body while you sleep. Just try.)

Santa Baby

Shudder. This song. The lyrics...that quasi-Betty Boop voice that every single artist uses no matter who they are that covers it...the sappy schmaltzy tune... Everything about it makes me want to toss my cookies.

Even if you could get past the nausea inducing baby voice and sickeningly sweet tune, the lyrics are awful. No, for reals they are! Have you actually taken the time to listen to them? They're awful! It's sounds like most spoiled, entitled brat in the world wrote them. Here's a little sample in case you've never paid attention to what they say:

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed

Next year I could be as good

If you'll check off my Christmas list.

Santa Baby, I want a yacht

And really, that's not a lot

Been an angel all year

So Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, there's one little thing I really need

The deed

To a platinum mine

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Ugh. Insert biggest eye roll here. So awful.

(Thank you for the perfect eyeroll, my Nine)

So yeah, Santa Baby is definitely my least favorite Christmas song followed closely by Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer and Baby, It's Cold Outside, but because it's Christmas I'll spare you the diatribe on those two until next year.

The Polar Express

If the award for most annoying Christmas song goes to Santa Baby then the prize for most detested Christmas movie goes (insert drumroll here)...The Polar Express!

Blech, this movie. I really don't understand the appeal. I know tons of people love it though. They all get in their matching footie jammies, have hot cocoa and cookies, and watch it as a family. Some towns go all out, designate a train to be "the Polar Express" on Christmas Eve, and give all the local kiddies a ride on it.

You may be saying:

But it's such a sweet, harmless movie! How can you hate it?! It's all about a little boy finding his Christmas spirit!

Well since you asked, here's my list of why I can't handle this movie:

1. That kid and his stupid bell. He makes me scream at my tv screen, "Just tie your stupid, dang bell around your wrist and leave it there! Stop playing with it for the love of eggnog!!"
2. I love me some Tom Hanks, but not in this movie.
3. Steven Tyler as an elf is just strange and more than a little disturbing.
4. The main reason I don't like it is...it's incredibly boring. Nothing really happens in this movie! Sure, sure, it's about a young boy coming to realize that the joy and miracle of Christmas can be find within, but they take what could be a five minute short, and make it into a ninety minute production. The Peanuts Gang told us the same thing, and it was way funnier and sweeter. Plus, they only took 25 minutes to do it.

So no thank you to The Polar Express and file it under Christmas Movies I Don't Care If I Ever See Again along with A Christmas Story and Bad Santa.

Anyone have any holiday traditions that everyone else seems to love, but you just can't understand? As always hit me up in the comments!

Merry Christmas, friends!

The Official Guide To Wintertime in Montana

Music: I'm Caving In by Leopold and His Fiction
           Lone Digger by Caravan Palace
           A Million and One Things To Do - Instrumental Version by Time Machine
         
Well friends, it's happened once again. Winter has taken residence in my corner of Montana, and won't be leaving for the next 4-6 months

But...isn't winter only supposed to last 3 months??

Oh my poor, sweet summer child...in most parts of the country, yes, but here in good old NW MT, we can have snow piles still sitting around until the end of April...sometimes even until May. In fact, I went on a hike in the Jewel Basin just this July, and we were still crossing snow fields. So yeah, winter never really seems to leave us here.

So in honor of our seasonal guest that's kind of like that one relative who never leaves even though they promise to only stay for a week, here's an Official Guide To Winter In Montana.

Here we go:

Dainty, cute shoes like flats, sandals and anything with a heel taller than 3/4 of an inch are traded in for footwear with alluring adjectives like "Snow Resistant", "Good For -40 F", and "Ice Proof Tread".

Your front porch becomes your second refrigerator, and when it drops to below zero, it doubles as an alternate freezer.

You abandon your usual workout for the newest fitness craze, Snow Shoveling 24/7.

You slip on a patch of ice and think to yourself "This is it. This is how I die."

You step outside to start your car for the daily "15 minute prior to departure" warm up, think "Nice! It's not so bad out here today!", and then look at your phone, "Oh. Well, crap."

You lose countless socks to the deep, dark abyss that is your snow boots.

A balmy day is anything above 25 F.

Tights or leggings are completely acceptable to wear with anything and everything.

Scarves become less about fashion and more about function.

The snow pack at our local ski resort gets more attention than the latest celebrity gossip.

Conversations that start with "You think this is a lot of snow?! You should been here for the winter of '96! Now that was a lot snow!" are overheard at the grocery store.

Frozen Booger Syndrome

The backseat of your car carries the enough winter apparel for three people, and you're the only one who's ever in it. But you've always got an extra pair of gloves just in case!

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Look is the only fashion trend you need to rock.

You begin to fantasize about swimming in lotion filled pools because your skin is so freaking dry all the dang time.

(It's a Doctor Who reference for the uneducated.)

You go to work in the dark and come home the dark, and slowly begin to feel yourself morphing into some kind of bizarre Mole Person type creature.

You also begin to identify with vampires because the rare sunlight you do see burns your eyes. IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS! (yes, I realize that was Gollum not a vampire, but just go with it.)

Static. So. Much. Static.

Ski bums e'rywhere.

Hairsicles aka going outside with wet hair and having your hair freeze solid.

But the best part about winter?

You get to begin your winter shaving hiatus!!!! Let the happy Snoopy dancing begin!

I know. I know. I'm talking about my love of being free from my follicle maintenance duties in winter again. And yes, I can already hear the reactions.

Ew. Are you really talking about how much you love taking a break from shaving again?! That's so gross. No wonder you're still single!!

To which I reply:

1.  If guys can have No Shave November, than we ladies who have over triple the amount of property to shave can certainly have No Shave Winter. Really, it's only fair.
2. If being All Smooth All The Time is one of the major requirements to being in a relationship than praise the good Lord above that I'm still single.
3. Neener neener, pumpkin eater! I really don't care if you think I'm gross. At least my legs stay warmer than yours!

So there.

But for all my complaining about winter, it's all worth it for views like this...

Feel free to add any additions to the winter guide in the comments!