Arabesque Cookie by Duke Ellington
Sugar Rum Cherry by Duke Ellington
Elf On the Shelf
Okay, who in the name of Frosty the Snowman thought up such a weird, honestly super creepy tradition??
A floppy, dead eyed elf that only comes alive at night, leaving mischief and mayhem in his wake. Oh sure, sometimes he leaves little gifts, but only after he hurls a bag of flour across the kitchen or dyes the milk blood red.
I mean, if it was any other creature in folklore other than an elf, this would be grounds for a horror movie!
(Seriously creepy...)
Oh sure, I can hear all the excuses:
1. But he's so cute!
2. The kids love all his pranks!
3. He only does things that are a little naughty.
4. And the kids love his little presents, and it makes it seem like Christmas lasts the whole month!
5. Oh lighten up, you old Grinch. You'll understand when you get kids.
To which I say a big fat nope to all!
1. That glassy eyed Chucky wannabe is not cute. Evil maybe, but not cute.
2. If your kid tried to pull the pranks that gnome "pulls", they would be grounded for a month straight.
3. A little naughty is still naughty. Do you want to teach your kids that it's okay to be naughty?
4. Parents, the holidays are a bat crap crazy busy time. Do you really need to add buying more gifts and having to remember to move a stuffed toy to a different locale every day to your already lengthy list?
5. Pretty sure having kids is off my plate, so I guess I'll never understand. Oh shucky darn. Grinch out.
So if this creature ever shows up at my house, I'm calling the Winchesters Boys ASAP to come exorcise this little demon. *runs out to buy all the salt in the grocery store*
(Just try telling me that he's not just waiting to suck your soul from your body while you sleep. Just try.)
Santa Baby
Shudder. This song. The lyrics...that quasi-Betty Boop voice that every single artist uses no matter who they are that covers it...the sappy schmaltzy tune... Everything about it makes me want to toss my cookies.
Even if you could get past the nausea inducing baby voice and sickeningly sweet tune, the lyrics are awful. No, for reals they are! Have you actually taken the time to listen to them? They're awful! It's sounds like most spoiled, entitled brat in the world wrote them. Here's a little sample in case you've never paid attention to what they say:
The Polar Express
If the award for most annoying Christmas song goes to Santa Baby then the prize for most detested Christmas movie goes (insert drumroll here)...The Polar Express!
Blech, this movie. I really don't understand the appeal. I know tons of people love it though. They all get in their matching footie jammies, have hot cocoa and cookies, and watch it as a family. Some towns go all out, designate a train to be "the Polar Express" on Christmas Eve, and give all the local kiddies a ride on it.
You may be saying:
But it's such a sweet, harmless movie! How can you hate it?! It's all about a little boy finding his Christmas spirit!
Well since you asked, here's my list of why I can't handle this movie:
1. That kid and his stupid bell. He makes me scream at my tv screen, "Just tie your stupid, dang bell around your wrist and leave it there! Stop playing with it for the love of eggnog!!"
2. I love me some Tom Hanks, but not in this movie.
3. Steven Tyler as an elf is just strange and more than a little disturbing.
4. The main reason I don't like it is...it's incredibly boring. Nothing really happens in this movie! Sure, sure, it's about a young boy coming to realize that the joy and miracle of Christmas can be find within, but they take what could be a five minute short, and make it into a ninety minute production. The Peanuts Gang told us the same thing, and it was way funnier and sweeter. Plus, they only took 25 minutes to do it.
So no thank you to The Polar Express and file it under Christmas Movies I Don't Care If I Ever See Again along with A Christmas Story and Bad Santa.
Anyone have any holiday traditions that everyone else seems to love, but you just can't understand? As always hit me up in the comments!
Merry Christmas, friends!
Even if you could get past the nausea inducing baby voice and sickeningly sweet tune, the lyrics are awful. No, for reals they are! Have you actually taken the time to listen to them? They're awful! It's sounds like most spoiled, entitled brat in the world wrote them. Here's a little sample in case you've never paid attention to what they say:
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed
Next year I could be as good
If you'll check off my Christmas list.
Santa Baby, I want a yacht
And really, that's not a lot
Been an angel all year
So Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, there's one little thing I really need
The deed
To a platinum mine
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Ugh. Insert biggest eye roll here. So awful.
(Thank you for the perfect eyeroll, my Nine)
So yeah, Santa Baby is definitely my least favorite Christmas song followed closely by Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer and Baby, It's Cold Outside, but because it's Christmas I'll spare you the diatribe on those two until next year.
The Polar Express
If the award for most annoying Christmas song goes to Santa Baby then the prize for most detested Christmas movie goes (insert drumroll here)...The Polar Express!
Blech, this movie. I really don't understand the appeal. I know tons of people love it though. They all get in their matching footie jammies, have hot cocoa and cookies, and watch it as a family. Some towns go all out, designate a train to be "the Polar Express" on Christmas Eve, and give all the local kiddies a ride on it.
You may be saying:
But it's such a sweet, harmless movie! How can you hate it?! It's all about a little boy finding his Christmas spirit!
Well since you asked, here's my list of why I can't handle this movie:
1. That kid and his stupid bell. He makes me scream at my tv screen, "Just tie your stupid, dang bell around your wrist and leave it there! Stop playing with it for the love of eggnog!!"
2. I love me some Tom Hanks, but not in this movie.
3. Steven Tyler as an elf is just strange and more than a little disturbing.
4. The main reason I don't like it is...it's incredibly boring. Nothing really happens in this movie! Sure, sure, it's about a young boy coming to realize that the joy and miracle of Christmas can be find within, but they take what could be a five minute short, and make it into a ninety minute production. The Peanuts Gang told us the same thing, and it was way funnier and sweeter. Plus, they only took 25 minutes to do it.
So no thank you to The Polar Express and file it under Christmas Movies I Don't Care If I Ever See Again along with A Christmas Story and Bad Santa.
Anyone have any holiday traditions that everyone else seems to love, but you just can't understand? As always hit me up in the comments!
Merry Christmas, friends!
Yes to everything you just said. I will admit I BRIEFLY, and I mean briefly, thought of the creepy elf for my little guy but just the thought of moving it every night mixed with having to get SUPER creative with it, then adding a dash of bad behaviour to influence a little boy already testing the boundaries, well, that just ended in a big fat NOPE!
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Maybe we should make T-shirts that say "Say Nope To the Elf!" on them. ;)
Delete