The Official Guide To Wintertime in Montana

Music: I'm Caving In by Leopold and His Fiction
           Lone Digger by Caravan Palace
           A Million and One Things To Do - Instrumental Version by Time Machine
         
Well friends, it's happened once again. Winter has taken residence in my corner of Montana, and won't be leaving for the next 4-6 months

But...isn't winter only supposed to last 3 months??

Oh my poor, sweet summer child...in most parts of the country, yes, but here in good old NW MT, we can have snow piles still sitting around until the end of April...sometimes even until May. In fact, I went on a hike in the Jewel Basin just this July, and we were still crossing snow fields. So yeah, winter never really seems to leave us here.

So in honor of our seasonal guest that's kind of like that one relative who never leaves even though they promise to only stay for a week, here's an Official Guide To Winter In Montana.

Here we go:

Dainty, cute shoes like flats, sandals and anything with a heel taller than 3/4 of an inch are traded in for footwear with alluring adjectives like "Snow Resistant", "Good For -40 F", and "Ice Proof Tread".

Your front porch becomes your second refrigerator, and when it drops to below zero, it doubles as an alternate freezer.

You abandon your usual workout for the newest fitness craze, Snow Shoveling 24/7.

You slip on a patch of ice and think to yourself "This is it. This is how I die."

You step outside to start your car for the daily "15 minute prior to departure" warm up, think "Nice! It's not so bad out here today!", and then look at your phone, "Oh. Well, crap."

You lose countless socks to the deep, dark abyss that is your snow boots.

A balmy day is anything above 25 F.

Tights or leggings are completely acceptable to wear with anything and everything.

Scarves become less about fashion and more about function.

The snow pack at our local ski resort gets more attention than the latest celebrity gossip.

Conversations that start with "You think this is a lot of snow?! You should been here for the winter of '96! Now that was a lot snow!" are overheard at the grocery store.

Frozen Booger Syndrome

The backseat of your car carries the enough winter apparel for three people, and you're the only one who's ever in it. But you've always got an extra pair of gloves just in case!

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Look is the only fashion trend you need to rock.

You begin to fantasize about swimming in lotion filled pools because your skin is so freaking dry all the dang time.

(It's a Doctor Who reference for the uneducated.)

You go to work in the dark and come home the dark, and slowly begin to feel yourself morphing into some kind of bizarre Mole Person type creature.

You also begin to identify with vampires because the rare sunlight you do see burns your eyes. IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS! (yes, I realize that was Gollum not a vampire, but just go with it.)

Static. So. Much. Static.

Ski bums e'rywhere.

Hairsicles aka going outside with wet hair and having your hair freeze solid.

But the best part about winter?

You get to begin your winter shaving hiatus!!!! Let the happy Snoopy dancing begin!

I know. I know. I'm talking about my love of being free from my follicle maintenance duties in winter again. And yes, I can already hear the reactions.

Ew. Are you really talking about how much you love taking a break from shaving again?! That's so gross. No wonder you're still single!!

To which I reply:

1.  If guys can have No Shave November, than we ladies who have over triple the amount of property to shave can certainly have No Shave Winter. Really, it's only fair.
2. If being All Smooth All The Time is one of the major requirements to being in a relationship than praise the good Lord above that I'm still single.
3. Neener neener, pumpkin eater! I really don't care if you think I'm gross. At least my legs stay warmer than yours!

So there.

But for all my complaining about winter, it's all worth it for views like this...

Feel free to add any additions to the winter guide in the comments!