Exile No More

Why?

Why?

Why did these grandparents have to tell a shell shocked waiting room the two words no one ever wants to have to say, "He's gone"?

Why did two of my dearest friends have to say goodbye to their eighteen year old son?

Why did two of the most amazing kids have to have their big brother taken away from them so soon?

Why?

"I am an exile - a sojourner; a citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror,
But I know one day I'll see face to face."

Why him and not me?

Why a goofy, stubborn, talented kid who loved Christ with his entire being?

Why someone who had still so much to offer the world?

Why did three boys have to do something no one should have to do so young, and hug their best friend for the last time?

Why was God's answer to our prayers this?

Why?

"I am a nomad - a wanderer; I have nowhere to lay my head down.
There's no point in putting roots to deep when I'm moving on.
I'm not settling for this unsettling town."

Why when we prayed so hard for God to heal him was he then snatched away from us?

Why did a soccer team lose their beloved captain?

Why did he have to get cancer in the first place?

Why was a young man robbed of the chance to be a husband and father?

Why does every word of comfort seem so trite and hollow?

Why are we all left with a gaping hole in our hearts, and the feeling that we'll never be able catch our breath again?

Why?

"I am a pilgrim - voyager; I won't rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived,
Where there'll be no pain or tears anymore."

Why?

As I watched my sweet bestie stroke her baby's hair one last time, and her husband hold his son's hand a final time, one question kept screaming in my heart, "Why did have to happen this way, God? Why?"

It's been five days, and I still don't know.

I still don't know. I may never know.

I know these two things though:

1. We should all strive to live life like Paxton, fearlessly and so full of Christ's love that it spills out onto others.

2. Paxton is free.

Free from pain.

Free from suffering.

Free from sickness.

Free from death.

He's more free than you and I still stuck here on earth will ever be.

Paxton is home, and in exile no more.

"My heart is filled with songs of forever
Of a city that endure, where all is made new.
I know I don't belong here; I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through."

Things I Just Don't Understand Part 3

Music: The Phantom of the Opera 
            Movie Soundtrack (I don't 
            care what any hardcore Broadway
            fans say, I love Gerard Butler in this
            version.)


1. Pajamas In Public:

Why? Just why? Is it really so hard to put a pair of jeans on before you run to the grocery store? Really? You honestly think it's appropriate to show up for your eye exam appointment still wearing your Sponge Bob/Deadpool/Betty Boop fleece jammy bottoms?

C'mon people, take a little pride in your appearance. There is no way on God's green earth you'll ever catch me in public wearing my pajamas.

Why?

Maybe it's because my grandmother would have literally died of embarrassment if she had seen me wearing my jammies in public.

Maybe it's because my parents never let us do it even when we were little.

But really, it's because I'm a fat person. And as such, I feel this overwhelming burden to change people's perception of how people see me and other fat people. You see, in the media fat people are mostly portrayed as these slovenly, sloppy, stinky bottom dwellers. (Example: Homer Simpson and the People of Walmart website.)

That judgement pierces my heart. I don't want people to see me or my other fluffy girls/boys like that. We're so much more than some internet meme. So I feel like it's my duty to almost shock people into seeing that yes, a fat girl can be put together at all times. (And it's not like I'm that put together. Usually when I'm out in public, I'm wearing a nerdy tee, jeans and a cute scarf.) It's probably a bit of a warped pride issue on my part, but there you go. That's why you'll never see me wearing my pajamas out of the house...except for extreme emergencies like:

1. It's 2am. Your (or yourself if you're single) kid puked all over himself, and your wife/husband sent you to Walmart to get Lysol and ginger ale.
2. Your house burnt down and you literally have no other clothes.
3. You're at the ER because you cut off your thumb while dicing tomatoes during a late night salsa making session.

That's it. Them's the only exceptions to the rules, folks.

2. Camo As Fashion:

Look, I know. I live in Montana. We who live here are known for our outdoor loving ways. We hunt (well, I don't but a lot of other people do). We fish, We hike. We bike. And for some of those things, camouflage outerwear is a necessary piece of equipment. But people, when did camo go from being something you only wore at hunting camp to becoming a fashion/home decor statement? Am I alone in thinking that this camo fad had gone too far?

Think I'm crazy and it can't really be that bad? Here's a short list of camo themed items I've seen just in the past few months:

• Camo Wedding Dresses
• Camo Prom Dresses
• Camo Dinnerwear
• Camo Curtains
• Camo Suits/Tuxedos
• Camo Underwear (including the retina searing sight of camo bras and thongs.)
• Camo Bedding
• Camo Silverwear
• Camo Eyewear
• Camo Purses (encrusted in rhinestones no less. I may be a camo purse, but I'm still girly, dang it!)
• Camo Backpacks/Fanny/packs/Messenger bags/Duffel bags
• Camo Headwear
• Camo Furniture/Carpet/Wallpaper

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I've got for now. If you don't believe me, just take a little stroll into your local Cabela's, and prepare to be astonished.

And don't get me started on Pink Camo. What's the point of it?? What are you trying to hide from? The Evil Pepto-Bismol Fairy? Is your husband so in love with camo that the only way to get him to notice you is to wear something in a lovely shade of Naughty Oak? (Ha! See what I did there?! Puns e'rywhere!) If that's the case, then we may have a bigger problem here.

Could we just...how about...just...NO.

Please. Stop. Let poor Camo have a rest. Let it stay where it should be, The Land of Hunting Season, and after that let it hibernate, my friends. In the immortal words of Lennon and McCarthey, "Let it be."

3. People Who Visit a Foreign Country and Refuse to Partake In the Local Food Scene:

It's no secret that I'm a foodie. It's also no secret that I dream of traveling the world. I mean just take a peek at my Pinterest boards, and other than an overabundance of Supernatural themed posts and brownie recipes, you'll see that it's absolutely plastered with pictures of places I want to see.

But unfortunately, I suffer from an illness called "Lackofmoneyitis" so until I find a cure for this devastating disease, I'm stuck here in good ol' NW MT.

So whenever someone I know does get the opportunity to travel abroad, I instantly pester them with questions like: "HOW WAS THE FOOD???? WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LOCAL BREAD LIKE? OH MY GOSH, WHAT WAS THE BEST STREET FOOD YOU FOUND??"

Some people will say things like, "Oh my heavens, you should have seen all the varieties of dim sum we ate in X'ian!" or "You've never had a croissant until you buy it from a little patisserie on Rue de Vouille. It's life changing!" Then I sigh with longing mixed with a touch of envy, and promise myself "One day, Manda. One day..."

But then there are the others that are all, "Well. We were worried about all the parasites you can ingest from local food and didn't want a stomach bug to ruin our trip. So we just stuck with safe American franchises. You know KFC, Applebees, and Starbucks." And I just stare at them like:

All right, Helen, and I bet you never left your all inclusive resort either, you socks with sandals, visor wearing weirdo. What's the point of traveling if you aren't going to immerse yourself in a culture?? Stop being such a stereotypical ugly American tourist, and try soaking in your surroundings for a change, Mildred. Do you know how much I crave being where you just were?

And NEWS FLASH: Starbucks coffee comes from a factory made concentrate and KFC's food all comes to them precooked. You're going to turn down an authentic foodie experience for some pre-made swill?!

C'mon Frances, take your Pepcid, and live a little, why don't ya? Life's too short to worry about a bit of salmonella.

Okay guys, that's it for this edition of Things I Just Don't Understand. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some camo loving friends and relatives to hide from... Bye!

INFJ Representing

Music: Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin
            Love Lost by The Temper Trap
            On & On by Plts

"Well, I'm an introvert so-"

"Wait. What?! You're an introvert?! I would have never have guessed it! But-but... you like talk to people, and do things...outside...and with other people! You seem so... friendly!"

How many times have I had this conversation? Way too many. No seriously, way too many times.

And honestly, I'm a bit tired of it. So to all you people out there that I've had this conversation with, it's time for a little education.

Ready?

Here it is (prepare to have your mind blown):

NOT ALL INTROVERTS ARE CREATED EQUAL.

I KNOW!! Crazy isn't it?!

In all seriousness, if you didn't know this, it's okay. Only about 4 or 5 years ago, I had the same mindset. I didn't know where I fit in! I knew I was an introvert, but I really didn't fit the stereotypical "never talks to anyone, always wants to be alone, doesn't want anything to do with people in real life, lives in their parents basement, and can't hold a decent conversation with anyone" that's always portrayed in tv and movies.

I have introverted tendencies, but not everything about me is "classic" introvert..

I like talking to people. (Though if you talk to me for any length of time there is sure to be at least one awkward moment in the conversation. Just a warning.), but I like listening to people more.

I don't live in a basement, but I can't handle having more than one roommate

I like helping people, but I prefer to do it behind the scenes. Example: At a wedding, I won't be the person making sure everyone is having a good time and trying to get them on the dance floor. (And please, for the love of Dean and Sam, don't try to get me on the dance floor. Manda no dancey in public, mmmkay?) I'll be the person clearing tables, and refilling the appetizer trays.

I like going to group activities, but only if I know there is someone else there that I know really well. (And I have to continually lecture myself not to latch on to them, and follow them around like a sad puppy.) I'll also probably be the first person to go home, because my brain is screaming at me for a bit of quiet.

I like making everyone feel welcome, but I only truly open up to a select few.

I get easily lost in my own little world, but I also observe really well. Sometimes to the point of creepily knowing what people will say before they say it.

I'm quiet, but get me around people I feel comfortable with? It can be scary how annoying and loud I can get.

I like spending time with people, but I love me my alone time.

My perfect evening involves making a bite of dinner followed by binge session of Supernatural, then a little Tumblr/Pinterest blogging time, maybe a little writing, and topped off with yelling at the cat.

But my perfect evening can also be a dinner and coffee date with my besties, or it could be going to a movie with my family.

I like being nice, but if you're trying to schmooze me, sell me on something, or if I decide I just don't care for you, oh boy! The ice queen comes out, and I will dig in my heels so deep and stonewall until the cows come home.

Talk about feeling confused! I felt like an enigma wrapped in a mystery swaddled in a conundrum. Hence why people always seem baffled by me.

This went on until the middle brother told me about a test he had taken that identified him as an introvert too. The test was the Meyers-Briggs personality test. So I figured what the heck, and I decided to take it myself.

I'm sure a few of you have heard of the Meyers-Briggs personality test. If not, it's a series of questions you answer, and at the end it will tell you not only if you're an extrovert or introvert, but also what personality type you are. Did you know that there are 16 possible personality types! Whaaaaaaaaa???

After taking it, I found out that I'm an INFJ.

Now you may be saying "A what? You're a jumble of letters?"

Let me break it down for you:

I - Introverted - Duh.
N - iNtuitive - The ability to know what people are going to say before they say it and if                                              you're trying to sell me on something.
F - Feeling - Helping, Friendly, Caring. Empathetic.
J - Judging - Stubbornness (to which my family says a hearty amen), Punctuality, Task focused.

Finding out that I'm an INFJ was one of the most illuminating experiences ever. Someone finally put it into words what I'd been feeling all this years. Thank heavens!

Here's a little infograph about my personality.

It doesn't make me any weirder, oh lawdy, not all, but at least I understand myself more.

(So much truth)

I finally feel like I have a handle on who I am. A lot of the time, I still feel like I'm out of place, but at least I know that there are others out there like me. Praise the Lord, for me, but, I'm so sorry to the rest of world that there are more weirdos out there like me.

But you what? I'm an INFJ, and I'm good with that.

INFJ in the da house, yo.

P.S. If you're interested in taking the Meyer's Briggs test yourself, here the link to the same test I took: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

P.P.S. If you do take the test, please feel free to share your personality type with me. I would love to hear your results!