Things I Just Don't Understand Part 3

Music: The Phantom of the Opera 
            Movie Soundtrack (I don't 
            care what any hardcore Broadway
            fans say, I love Gerard Butler in this
            version.)


1. Pajamas In Public:

Why? Just why? Is it really so hard to put a pair of jeans on before you run to the grocery store? Really? You honestly think it's appropriate to show up for your eye exam appointment still wearing your Sponge Bob/Deadpool/Betty Boop fleece jammy bottoms?

C'mon people, take a little pride in your appearance. There is no way on God's green earth you'll ever catch me in public wearing my pajamas.

Why?

Maybe it's because my grandmother would have literally died of embarrassment if she had seen me wearing my jammies in public.

Maybe it's because my parents never let us do it even when we were little.

But really, it's because I'm a fat person. And as such, I feel this overwhelming burden to change people's perception of how people see me and other fat people. You see, in the media fat people are mostly portrayed as these slovenly, sloppy, stinky bottom dwellers. (Example: Homer Simpson and the People of Walmart website.)

That judgement pierces my heart. I don't want people to see me or my other fluffy girls/boys like that. We're so much more than some internet meme. So I feel like it's my duty to almost shock people into seeing that yes, a fat girl can be put together at all times. (And it's not like I'm that put together. Usually when I'm out in public, I'm wearing a nerdy tee, jeans and a cute scarf.) It's probably a bit of a warped pride issue on my part, but there you go. That's why you'll never see me wearing my pajamas out of the house...except for extreme emergencies like:

1. It's 2am. Your (or yourself if you're single) kid puked all over himself, and your wife/husband sent you to Walmart to get Lysol and ginger ale.
2. Your house burnt down and you literally have no other clothes.
3. You're at the ER because you cut off your thumb while dicing tomatoes during a late night salsa making session.

That's it. Them's the only exceptions to the rules, folks.

2. Camo As Fashion:

Look, I know. I live in Montana. We who live here are known for our outdoor loving ways. We hunt (well, I don't but a lot of other people do). We fish, We hike. We bike. And for some of those things, camouflage outerwear is a necessary piece of equipment. But people, when did camo go from being something you only wore at hunting camp to becoming a fashion/home decor statement? Am I alone in thinking that this camo fad had gone too far?

Think I'm crazy and it can't really be that bad? Here's a short list of camo themed items I've seen just in the past few months:

• Camo Wedding Dresses
• Camo Prom Dresses
• Camo Dinnerwear
• Camo Curtains
• Camo Suits/Tuxedos
• Camo Underwear (including the retina searing sight of camo bras and thongs.)
• Camo Bedding
• Camo Silverwear
• Camo Eyewear
• Camo Purses (encrusted in rhinestones no less. I may be a camo purse, but I'm still girly, dang it!)
• Camo Backpacks/Fanny/packs/Messenger bags/Duffel bags
• Camo Headwear
• Camo Furniture/Carpet/Wallpaper

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I've got for now. If you don't believe me, just take a little stroll into your local Cabela's, and prepare to be astonished.

And don't get me started on Pink Camo. What's the point of it?? What are you trying to hide from? The Evil Pepto-Bismol Fairy? Is your husband so in love with camo that the only way to get him to notice you is to wear something in a lovely shade of Naughty Oak? (Ha! See what I did there?! Puns e'rywhere!) If that's the case, then we may have a bigger problem here.

Could we just...how about...just...NO.

Please. Stop. Let poor Camo have a rest. Let it stay where it should be, The Land of Hunting Season, and after that let it hibernate, my friends. In the immortal words of Lennon and McCarthey, "Let it be."

3. People Who Visit a Foreign Country and Refuse to Partake In the Local Food Scene:

It's no secret that I'm a foodie. It's also no secret that I dream of traveling the world. I mean just take a peek at my Pinterest boards, and other than an overabundance of Supernatural themed posts and brownie recipes, you'll see that it's absolutely plastered with pictures of places I want to see.

But unfortunately, I suffer from an illness called "Lackofmoneyitis" so until I find a cure for this devastating disease, I'm stuck here in good ol' NW MT.

So whenever someone I know does get the opportunity to travel abroad, I instantly pester them with questions like: "HOW WAS THE FOOD???? WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LOCAL BREAD LIKE? OH MY GOSH, WHAT WAS THE BEST STREET FOOD YOU FOUND??"

Some people will say things like, "Oh my heavens, you should have seen all the varieties of dim sum we ate in X'ian!" or "You've never had a croissant until you buy it from a little patisserie on Rue de Vouille. It's life changing!" Then I sigh with longing mixed with a touch of envy, and promise myself "One day, Manda. One day..."

But then there are the others that are all, "Well. We were worried about all the parasites you can ingest from local food and didn't want a stomach bug to ruin our trip. So we just stuck with safe American franchises. You know KFC, Applebees, and Starbucks." And I just stare at them like:

All right, Helen, and I bet you never left your all inclusive resort either, you socks with sandals, visor wearing weirdo. What's the point of traveling if you aren't going to immerse yourself in a culture?? Stop being such a stereotypical ugly American tourist, and try soaking in your surroundings for a change, Mildred. Do you know how much I crave being where you just were?

And NEWS FLASH: Starbucks coffee comes from a factory made concentrate and KFC's food all comes to them precooked. You're going to turn down an authentic foodie experience for some pre-made swill?!

C'mon Frances, take your Pepcid, and live a little, why don't ya? Life's too short to worry about a bit of salmonella.

Okay guys, that's it for this edition of Things I Just Don't Understand. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some camo loving friends and relatives to hide from... Bye!