Girly Woes: Part One

Music: Psychosocial by Brooke Fraser
            Wild Horses by Bishop
            Friday I'm In Love by Janet Devlin




Eyebrows

It's a daily battle to keep the two woolly caterpillars on my forehead from mating, and when they're not trying to mate, it's seems like they each take turns deciding that it's time to grow arms and try to their darndest to shake hands with my hairline.

Dear Eyebrows, no need to be Hands Across America. The 80's are over and done with. Move on.

Jeans

For the love of Gallifrey, is there no more elusive garment than finding the right pair of jeans? (Well, there is the struggle of finding a decent bra, but I won't go into that here.) It's nearly impossible! In fact, I think I may have a better chance of finding a Yeti than a pair of jeans I love.

Then throw in the fact that I'm plus size, and oh lawdy, someone call Josh Gates because I have a mystery to solve!

I'm either stuck with something that looks like someone's Grandmother decided to go on a rampage with her Bedazzler on the back pockets, constantly wants to ride on my hips, and makes me live in constant fear that I'm going to flash crack if I even look at the ground much less bend over to pick something up off said ground.

Or I get the "Mom Jeans" option.

I'm sorry, but I really don't think my waistband belongs around my ribs, and elastic and pleats don't say "comfort". They say "I'm ready for my retirement home in Arizona! Watch out gentlemen, Mama's got her streeeeetchy pants on, and is ready to party! Now, someone get me a Mai Tai, STAT!"

Dear Cute, Flattering, Non Bedazzled Jeans, no need to hide out like the Loch Ness monster. C'mon out and play.


Big feet

You know as a kid you had that one sledding hill that seemed like you were flying down Mount Everest as you went sliding down it? And then you revisited it as an adult, and you were all "Where's the hill?! This is just a bump in the ground! What happened?!"

Well, that's kind of what having big feet is like only in reverse. What you think are small and delicate are really roughly the size of two canoes.

Example:

You're in the shoe department, innocently browsing through the shoes when you find the perfect pair of ankle boots that you just have to try.

Only when you go to find your size they don't have any out available to try, because heaven forbid we have anything over an 8 1/2 on display.

You then have suck it up and ask the preteen working/texting her boyfriend if they could see if they have a size 9 1/2 or 10 in stock.

After a barely disguised eyeroll and snort of derision, they get up and spend what feels an eternity in the stock room. Then the much put upon employee finally emerges and plops the pair of shoes on the floor next to you, and saunters off to resume texting...er working.

You open the box, only to draw back in horror! These are not the same shoes! I mean they kind of look like the same shoes, but these...these look like something Quasimodo would wear!

Oh sweet Thor, what happened?! Where are my precious little ankle boots?! ?!

Then in denial you try on the size 8's thinking maybe just maybe this particular style runs big?!

Only to look like an idiot because of course they won't fit. Who am I trying to kid? I don't have small dainty feet. I have the feet of a female Sasquatch, and can never have anything pretty for my poor, monstrous feet...sob.

Dear Big Feet, it's not you. It's me. I'm trying my best to learn to love you, but it's really, really hard because I really, really love cute shoes.

I know these are only a few of the woes of being a girl, so hit me up ladies! What are some of your girly woes?