The Pachyderm Meal Plan

Music: Message Man by Twenty One Pilots
            Drawing Board Remix by B. Reith
            Gonna Take Some Time by Bleach

"How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

It's a silly riddle. One meant to bring a smile to the face of a six year old.

Silly...but...deep at the same time.

Recently, I've been thinking about life changes, and how we're all constantly pursuing life changes.

Most of the time those life changes seem daunting, though. Too big, too hard, too uncomfortable, or just too scary.

Maybe you want to quit smoking, but those cigarettes seem to be the only thing that relieves your stress.

Maybe you want to stop drinking, but you're afraid that you might lose those friends that you party with, and they seem like the only friends you have.

Maybe you want to start exercising, but it hurts your joints.

Maybe you need to leave that toxic relationship, but you're scared of being alone.

It all seems too much to even contemplate beginning. It's too much to handle, and even if you start there always seems that snide little voice coaxing you to stop.

It's not really that bad. 
You can start later. 
Maybe try next week, next month, next year when life calms down.
You really don't want to be alone. 
What kind of loser would you be if you don't have any friends?

But really, will it calm down?  Do you really want friends who only care about having a "good time", but as soon as something hard comes up they run away? Will there ever be a perfect time to turn your life around?

I can say will all the confidence in the world, no. 

We were never guaranteed a perfect life down here on earth so why would there ever be a perfect time to start something new?

We just have to do it.

How?

Well, for starters, tell that sneering voice to shut it, and then consider The Pachyderm Meal Plan.

You do it one day, one hour, one minute, one second, one bite at a time.

I know that it's hard. Trust me, I truly do know, but, oh how it'll be worth it in the end.

Don't give up, dear one.

I'm rooting for you, and even better than that, the Maker of the Universe is cheering you on as well.

Gonna Be Alright

by Bleach

You know that you're part of this tonight

And it meant so much to see how hard you tried

And I want you to know it's alright

I want you to know it'll be fine

But it's gonna take some time

To get it back in line

It's gonna take some time

To work it all out

To work it all out

To work it all out

To work it out

This operation's gone away

But I know that there is hope for even this

A crippled bird can learn to fly again

And I want you to know it's alright

I'm running to show it'll be fine

But it's gonna take some time

To get it back in line

It's gonna take some time

To work it all out

To work it all out

When A Compliment Goes Too Far...

I've talked a lot about my "Road To a Fitter Me" (sorry, I went full on cheesy there) on here. I know you may be tired of hearing about it (if so, just ignore this post.), but for me it's a type of release. A way to gather and speak my thoughts on this life change I've been on for over 2 years now. I've talked about my ups and downs. My triumphs and failures. My reactions to my changing body and others reactions to it.

As I've said before, most of time, people have been amazingly encouraging and supportive. Honestly, the outpouring of love is overwhelming at times. I get a little verklempt thinking about it.

But every once and a while a person commenting on my body goes a little too far... It starts to edge into the uncomfortable zone of compliments.

For example, the other day at work an older lady came in for some glasses adjustments. This was the third time this month she had been in, and each time she just kept gushing over me.

The first time was fine. She hadn't seen me for a while, and she was very sweet. She told me "You look so great! Good for you!" All very normal. I smiled and thanked her, and she went on her way.

Two weeks later she was in again for another adjustment, and this time she brought a friend.

"I've been telling my friend about you, and I just had to bring her in to show her how much weight you've lost!! I just can't get over how much you've changed. I mean, wow! You've lost a lot weight! I can't get over it!"

Her friend replied "Yeah! I think you need to be my best friend, and tell me all your secrets! You look so great. You must tell me what you're doing!!!"

(Ooookaaaayy...)

At this point I started to sympathize with zoo animals and members of an old school carnival freak show. I felt like slapping a sign on my chest that read: STEP RIGHT UP, FOLKS AND GAWK IN AMAZEMENT AT THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN! FOR ONLY ONE NICKLE YOU TOO CAN SEE THIS STRANGE CREATURE!

Instead, I laughed my patented polite, nervous laugh, and rattled off my usual spiel about walking and eating better. Then I thanked them and walked/scurried back to my office area. All the while I'm thinking "Weird. What in the heck was that?!"

Last week she came in for the third time, and for the third time all she could talk about was me and how I had changed. "I still can't get over it! You just look so different! You've lost so much weight. Just wow!" And then. "How much weight have you lost????? You must have lost a lot!!"

Okay stop right there. Now, I don't mind at all if friends ask me that question, but someone I barely know and on a professional level no less? Really? That just seems so bizarre to me, and frankly, it's none of their business. I would never ask a cashier at the grocery store or my librarian a question like that.

Did I tell her? Yes, I did because I was at work, dang it, and my boss doesn't pay me to dish out snarky replies like "Mind your own business, you nosy old biddy!" Also, my parents raised me to be polite to my elders.

After she left (after a couple more awkward compliments), I started to think about why this bothered me so much.

It boiled down to this. Her compliments made me feel that because I had lost some weight, I became a better person in her eyes. Like I was finally worthy of attention. 

Did she mean it? Most likely not, but that was how I felt. Before I had lost weight, I don't ever remember her complementing me on my appearance, and now it was all she could talk about.

It made me feel uncomfortable, and little niggling doubts about my worth wanted to creep into my heart. 

Look. I get it. We live in an appearance driven world. Everywhere we turn there are magazines, ads, and billboards screaming at us to sign up for this booty boot camp. 

Try these crunches to have sexy toned abs. 

Take this pill to trim those child bearing hips. 

What? Do you really want stay looking like your farmer wives ancestors?! No man will ever find you attractive looking like that.

Seriously. Ugh.

In reality, a person is still the same person whether or not they've lost a bunch of weight. 

I'm still the same person.

I'm still the same quirky, awkward, nerd girl who posts way too many pictures of baked goods she's made on her Instagram account.

And you know what? 

I. Have. Worth. 

God sees me as his beautiful daughter and worthwhile. 

My family sees me as beautiful and worth it. 

My friends see me as beautiful and worth it, though the baked goods may help with that.

It took checking those doubts, and reminding myself of my worth no matter what my size or number on the scale. I have the assurance that my Jesus, my family, and my closest friends love me no matter what I look like to the rest of the world. And that my dear readers is all that matters.

P.S. Please don't think I'm trying to tell anyone that they shouldn't compliment someone who's lost weight. I'm not. 

Anyone who's going through any big lifestyle renovation i.e. losing weight, quitting smoking/drinking/drug use, or dealing with a hard family situation needs encouragement. They need people coming alongside them to cheer them on, or just give them a hug. 

Just... please, don't be weird about it. 

Remember. Words can either harm or heal. Use them wisely.

P.S.S. YOU, DEAR READER ARE BEAUTIFUL AND WORTH IT TOO. NO MATTER WHAT THE REST OF THE WORLD TRIES TO TELL YOU. DON'T FORGET THAT.

P.S.S.S.Sorry Cosmo Health USA, but I'm pretty sure this butt and these hips will still be with me no matter what. Blame it on my Northern European/Viking warrior woman genes. And hey, read a book. Those warrior women were pretty awesome, so I'm good with that.

Bloomsday, Baby!

As a lot of you know, last weekend I walked my first Bloomsday (craziness!!), which is a 12k walk/run.

 To celebrate, I thought I would share a little picture journey of the experience with you...(why did I suddenly give myself some early 80's nostalgia with that line? *shrugs* maybe I was subjected to too many slide shows in school...)

The week leading up to Bloomsday my lovely future sis in law surprised me with a different present each day to keep me motivated! She's pretty amazing.

Day 1: My favorite flavor of taffy (which is peppermint, in case you were wondering)

Day 2: She brought me my favorite latte (white chocolate, again in case you were curious)

Day 3: Peanut Butter Protein Power

Day 4: A new bandana in my favorite color (bandanas are required for any activity that involves hiking and/or a walk/run that is measured by kilometers.)

Day 5: A mini walking path..."Walking is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and for your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed." - Charles Schulz

Day 6: Fancy new socks (they're super comfy, by the way)

I'm saving Day 7 until the end

Now for race time!

I'm told that carb loading is a thing some professionals do so of course we had to as well. Proscuitto Wrapped Chicken and Lemon Butter Pasta. It was amazing!

A pre-race worship service.

I asked my Dad to do Bloomsday with me, and since I'm his favorite daughter, he couldn't say no...muahahahahahahahaha!!

Lego dudes! Apparently, wearing a costume is a thing for Bloomsday. I may have to rethink my attire for next year.

The start line! At this point tens of thousand of people had already crossed the line and the winner of Bloomsday had already been across the finish for about 15 minutes...I tried not to think about that.

Here's a better view of the start line taken by one of the professional Bloomsday photographers.

Finally starting the race!

Another pic of a costumed racer...maybe I'll plan for Doctor Who themed ensemble next year...Allons-y!!

Eye of the Tiger, folks! Honestly, I got a little emotional at the finish line. Two and half years ago, I would have never dreamed of being able to do something like Bloomsday. Now I have my first one under my belt, and I'm planning on doing it again next year.

We made it!! Just don't ask us to do anything else very fast right now. We're in full on sloth mode at this point.

My treat for finishing: my favorite drink from my favorite coffee chain.

Now for Day 7: Chelsey gave me this gorgeous charm after the race.

If you're betting that this made me tear up, you win all the prizes!

There's no way in the world I could have done this without the support of my awesome family and amazing friends. I had two sweet friends give up their afternoons and evenings to do practice walks with me to help me get ready for the the big day. I had my small group praying that I would cross the finish line, and I had people calling, texting, and messaging me with encouraging words. It was insane!

The outpouring of love knocked my socks off! Thank you all!!!! 

Shirley is my spirit animal.

So I quit (most) social media for a month... Part 2

These are the voyages of a confessed Pinterest addict, expert Facebook stalker, and Tumblr fangirl who decided to quit her social media loves for a month. Herein you will find the chronicles of that month long journey... the good, the bad, and the whining.


Day 1: Besides an occasional finger twitch to check my phone's notifications, not too bad...except Once Upon A Time is back from its' hiatus and I CAN'T CHECK TUMBLR TO SEE ALL THE NEW FAN THEORIES, FANART AND FANFICS... but really I'm doing fine.

Day 3: Went to Facebook stalk someone, and realized that I couldn't... Just shed an imaginary tear.(insert sad emoticon face here).

Day 5: Finished binge watching the web series The Lizzie Bennett Diaries (for the second time) and The Autobiography of Jane Eyre. Now contemplating binging on Emma Approved. Am now 17 episodes into Emma Approved.

Day 7: Went to show a friend a Pin, but had to slowly BACK AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

Day 8: Finished all 87 episodes of Emma Approved. Now what?

Day 9: Because I'm no longer being sucked into the social media black hole, I'm sorting through my enormous backlog of Taste of Home and Simple and Delicious magazine...how in the name of Serenity have I collected so many?!

Day 11: I think today's the first day I haven't been aching to check Pinterest. Not that I'm not longing to pin all the vintage Easter cards and spring desserts pins I can find, 'tis the season after all, but I'm okay not doing it.

Day 12: Received this email notification from Facebook...

(Facebook, I think you might have more of a problem with me than I do with you...)

Day 15: Halfway done!! It's kind of crazy, but the urge to to do my habitual evening interwebs browsing is almost...gone. Whoa.

  

(Baby Tom, you are adorable.)

Day 18: I have several friends who have birthdays this month and not being able to wish them "Happy Birthday" on Facebook feels kind of strange. I'm going to have to do something drastic like text, call or even...send them a card (!!) to wish them "Happy Birthday". What?!

Day 20: I broke my vow. I sneaky sneaked my way onto Facebook. It was only to wish my Canadian friend "Happy Birthday". I don't have international texting, and that was the only way I could be sure she would get my birthday love. I didn't check a single notification even though I was sorely tempted. Seriously. I did not. That red notification flag was taunting me, but I said "NO."

Day 23: So far I wouldn't say I'm more productive since I cut out the Big Three, but I would say my evenings feel a little more relaxed, strangely enough.

Day 27: Finished one blog post, and began the finishing touches on two others. Also 3/4 of the way through my Hobbit cross stitch project. Okay, so the creative juices are starting to flow now that I'm almost done with my challenge? Way to go, Creative Juices. Way. To. Go.

Day 28: Today is mah birthday, and I'm struggling with feelings of guilt for not saying thank you to the people writing Happy Birthday wishes on my Facebook wall.

Day 30: Today I had the pleasure of being at the hospital with two friends as they welcomed their precious baby girl into the world. Feelings of missing social media were far, far, away. Any app or website pales in comparison to this moment. This is what life is about.

Day 31: LAST DAY!!! I'll be honest the temptation of "Oh, I'm basically done with this challenge. Go ahead and check Pinterest. It's totally fine. In fact, I deserve it!"is strong today. I will resist.

Aaaaand I did. Boo-yah!! Thirty one days without The Big Three, and I survived!!

So what did I learn from this little experiment?

1. No having a reason to constantly check my device for notifications is freeing.

2. Not being in front of a flickering screen all evening long is lovely.

3. I'm resolved to cut my evening web browsing to 1-2 hours maximum.

4. Am I free from the allure of Pinterest? Did you miss my Day 31 entry? No. I still love it, and can't wait to look up new Easter brunch recipes.

5. Will I take another social media sabbatical in the near future? As the Minnesotan blood in me says "Yeah sure, you betcha!".

6. Realizing how much time I spend online was mortifying, but the knowledge that I could break free from it for a whole stinkin' month was empowering.

7. Am I a better conversationalist? I think so, but if I'm talking with you and you see me to start reach for my phone to do more than check the time, I give you the freedom to slap the phone out of my hands.

As much as I've whined and complained, overall this has been an awesome learning experience for me, and I challenge you, my lovely readers, to do same. It doesn't have to My Big Three. We all have our own Big Three that consume us. It could be Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, a certain show, a particular sport you follow, TV in general, gaming, or even texting.

Trust me. It will be hard, but it will be worthwhile. If I can do it, I know you can. I have faith in you. Now go forth and do the thing!

Oh, and please feel free to tell me if you do decide to do the thing because I would love to be able to encourage you in your thing doing process.

(Doctor, I can always count on you to do the thing...)

So I quit (most) social media for a month... Part 1

A couple of my friends are in the middle of doing a seven month lifestyle challenge inspired by this book:

Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker

Out of curiosity I thought "What the heck? I'll give it a read and see what all the fuss is about. I could use a new book to change up my usual literature playlist. It probably won't impact me like it did them."

Whoa.

Famous last words. 

This book. Man, oh man. 

Peeps, I loved it. 

Jen Hatmaker speaks my language. In fact, despite her love of reality TV, I'm pretty sure we could be friends. She's hilarious, real, raw, and inspiring. She's even a bit of a foodie. This lady is my kind of people.

In the book, the author explores the attitude of excess that is so prevalent in American culture, and her own personal convictions about how she's bought into it. She identifies seven, hence the title, areas of excess in her life, and takes seven months to focus on them. One area per month.

Every single chapter in this book made me stop and examine my own life. My spending habits, how I take my access to fresh food for granted, how much stuff I own, and how much time I waste in mindless social media browsing.

Out of all the areas she focused on (Sorry Jen, only eating seven things or wearing seven items of clothing is just not happening right now.) the issue of social media impacted me the most.

If I stop and really think about it, the time I spend online is embarrassing.

No really, it is.

If I let myself, I can easily waste away 3-4 hours in an evening browsing the Pinter-nets and Tumblr, and not even think twice about it.

3-4 HOURS, PEOPLE.

As Susan Powters used to scream at us 90's kids "STOP THE INSANITY!" (Yeah, I went there! What?)

(Trust me. It was all the rage.)

Talk about your social media black hole.

There are so many other things on which I could spend my time.

I could read more.

Revel in the mild winter we've been experiencing.

I could spend time writing new blog posts...shocker!

Finish some stitching projects.

Actually cook some new recipes instead of just pinning new recipes.

Carry on a complete conversation instead of periodically checking my phone to see if I have a new re-pin, like, or re-blog.

Carry on a complete conversation...

When did I get so obsessed with an inanimate object that I couldn't talk to a real live human being without checking or at least wanting to check it every 10 minutes...sometimes less?

How pathetic is that?

With all these realizations, I decided that I needed to put what I had just read into action. I needed to take a break. A little shake up was in order.

It was time to say goodbye, if only for a month, to my three biggest time wasters. Catch ya later, Facebook. Farewell, Pinterest. So long, Tumblr.

So on February 28, I turned off notifications, deleted bookmarks, cleared my browsing history, hid app icons, took one last look at my social media loves, and on March 1 faced a world free from The Big Three.

How did I do? Well, tune it for Part 2 to find out.

Alone

Music: Swept Away by The Avett Brothers
            Moonshiner by Red Bird
            You Really Got A Hold On Me by She & Him

Alone.

Not lonely, but alone.

Some would say "Lonely? Alone? They're the same thing."

I would argue "No. They're completely different."

To me feeling loneliness is the lack of contact with other when you're longing for it.

Alone is the act of being solitary.

I love being alone.

Of course not all the time, but for me and my fellow introverts, the amount of time we spend interacting socially must be equal to or less than the time we spend alone.

I draw strength from "alone time". 

The feeling of always being "on" in the workplace and in public can be draining, and by the end of the day, I'm ready to decompress.

People who tell me "I hate being alone." make me sad and a little confused.

I don't understand it. Even as young thing with an enormous imagination, I loved playing and being by myself.

Four year old Amanda making up adventures for Rainbow Brite and her daring steed, Starlite.

Seven year old Amanda pretending that her mother's flower garden was a fairy realm and her favorite Barbie was a elfin princess who drank droplets of water out of a bluebell goblet and made her bed under a spray of Lilies of the Valley.

Ten year old Amanda curled up in the hollow stump in the middle of the little field next to the pig shed, devouring book after book.

Thirteen year old Amanda holed up in her room mooning over teenager...stuff.

Sixteen year old Amanda racing through her school work just to dive into a secreted away romance novel.

And now, thirty three year old Amanda reveling in quiet evenings where the most pressing thing on her calendar is a long walk by herself.

Are people who hate being alone afraid of their thoughts? Of facing who they truly are away from their friends?

I understand the people who have had a horrific trauma in their life that makes being by themselves not a healthy option.

I understand family dynamics make it tough to have alone time.

I get that, and respect that.

But those of you who just simply can't stand quiet, you baffle me. I love you, but you're strange in my opinion.

How can you think with all that noise?

How do you not have a constant headache from always being on?

I'm know, I know. I baffle you too.

When I tell you "Alone time is amazing!", you look at me like I'm a refugee from Mars.

"Aren't you scared to be alone?"

"Isn't it boring?"

"Really?!"

"Why?"

Why? Because to me it's as essential as oxygen.

Things I Just Don't Quite Understand aka Possible Signs I'm Getting Old.

Music: Cry Me A River - Ray Brown Trio
            I've Got A Woman - Ray Charles
            Am I Blue - Billie Holiday



Herein lies three topics that leave me scratching my head a bit, lately. Maybe it's because I'm getting old (Year 33 is only a little over two months away) or maybe not. I don't know.

1. Duck Lips/Tongues Hanging Out Selfies:
Look, I have no problem with selfies as long as they're done in moderation. Moderation being the key word. Trust me. The majority of your social media buddies won't forget what you look like if you only post a selfie once or twice a week.

What I don't understand is the popularity of a couple of selfies poses. What is so attractive about making kissie faces all the time. Did a yellow jacket sting your mouth and you want to show me your swollen lips?

Are tonsils suddenly the new "Hot" feature? Is that why you have to take pics of your tongue hanging out? So we can see your lovely tonsils and adenoids? Are you five years old and want to show me what color your sucker turned your tongue?

These are the questions I ask myself when I see these species of selfies. I don't care if you're a chick or a dude. Neither of these poses are attractive in my book.

Maybe we would all be better off if we asked ourselves a few simple questions when tempted to do one of the poses mentioned above.

Am I a world famous male supermodel named Zoolander?

Am I Miley?

Am I a pop diva or a geriatric "rock star"?

Lastly, am I a majestic waterfowl?

If your answer is no to any or all of these, then maybe you should just consider a simple smile instead.

P.S. Do not even get me started on the "Sparrow Eyes" trend.

2. Men and The Inability to Zip Up and Re-buckle While Still in the Bathroom.

Seriously, guys!! It takes one extra second in the bathroom/restroom/porta-potty/outhouses to zip up your pants and re-buckle your belt while still in bathroom. I don't understand why you think it's better to do this in public. Why you would want to risk The Flash by doing The Zip in public?

Are your facilities so putrid that to be in them for one more second than necessary will literally kill you? Is it some kind of bro code that The Zip must be done public? Is it a notice to the world that you conquered the bathroom and the sound of a zipper being closed is your war cry?

3. People Who Call Me Back Before Checking the Voice Mail I Just Left.

Here's a script of how this usually goes.

Me: Calls Person. Person doesn't answer. I leave a detailed voice mail for the reason for my call.

Person: (calls back 10 minutes later) Hi. Yes, I see I missed a call from you.

Me: Yes, you got my message?

Person: No, I didn't check my messages. I just saw you called. What did you call for?

Me: You didn't listen to my message?

Person: No, I didn't want to take the time to listen to it. 

Me (Externally): Oooookay, well I called to tell you.... relays message for the second time.

Me (Internally): Why did I even leave you a message if you weren't going to listen to it? Didn't you tell me to leave you a message if you didn't pick up your phone? Now I have tell you the entire message again. I'm not the biggest fan of talking on the phone, and now you're making me to do it more! Thank you for extending my agony.

All right. Old lady rant over. Chang out.