Why hello there!
It's been well over a year since I've written anything for this blog. The reason being that this little blog has run its course in my life. It's done its job, and now it's time to put this outlet for my thoughts to rest. I may still blog, but it won't be here. I'm not giving up on writing though. I love it too much to ever do that.
I'm mulling over my options, and we'll see where my muse takes me. It might be blogging or it might be putting my efforts into writing an actual book. I don't really know, and that's actually kind of exciting. I'll be forever grateful that I decided to start this little blog because it ignited a passion in me to actually write down my thoughts and share them with whoever wanted to subject themselves to my word stews.
So farewell to The Sassy Wallflower blog and hello to whatever writing adventures may come. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my nerdy, random thoughts. You're rock stars one and all.
- Amanda
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Exile No More
Why?
Why?
Why did these grandparents have to tell a shell shocked waiting room the two words no one ever wants to have to say, "He's gone"?
Why did two of my dearest friends have to say goodbye to their eighteen year old son?
Why did two of the most amazing kids have to have their big brother taken away from them so soon?
Why?
"I am an exile - a sojourner; a citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror,
But I know one day I'll see face to face."
Why him and not me?
Why a goofy, stubborn, talented kid who loved Christ with his entire being?
Why someone who had still so much to offer the world?
Why did three boys have to do something no one should have to do so young, and hug their best friend for the last time?
Why was God's answer to our prayers this?
Why?
"I am a nomad - a wanderer; I have nowhere to lay my head down.
There's no point in putting roots to deep when I'm moving on.
I'm not settling for this unsettling town."
Why when we prayed so hard for God to heal him was he then snatched away from us?
Why did a soccer team lose their beloved captain?
Why did he have to get cancer in the first place?
Why was a young man robbed of the chance to be a husband and father?
Why does every word of comfort seem so trite and hollow?
Why are we all left with a gaping hole in our hearts, and the feeling that we'll never be able catch our breath again?
Why?
"I am a pilgrim - voyager; I won't rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived,
Where there'll be no pain or tears anymore."
Why?
As I watched my sweet bestie stroke her baby's hair one last time, and her husband hold his son's hand a final time, one question kept screaming in my heart, "Why did have to happen this way, God? Why?"
It's been five days, and I still don't know.
I still don't know. I may never know.
I know these two things though:
1. We should all strive to live life like Paxton, fearlessly and so full of Christ's love that it spills out onto others.
2. Paxton is free.
Free from pain.
Free from suffering.
Free from sickness.
Free from death.
He's more free than you and I still stuck here on earth will ever be.
Paxton is home, and in exile no more.
"My heart is filled with songs of forever
Of a city that endure, where all is made new.
I know I don't belong here; I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through."
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Things I Just Don't Understand Part 3
Music: The Phantom of the Opera
Movie Soundtrack (I don't
care what any hardcore Broadway
fans say, I love Gerard Butler in this
version.)
1. Pajamas In Public:
Why? Just why? Is it really so hard to put a pair of jeans on before you run to the grocery store? Really? You honestly think it's appropriate to show up for your eye exam appointment still wearing your Sponge Bob/Deadpool/Betty Boop fleece jammy bottoms?
C'mon people, take a little pride in your appearance. There is no way on God's green earth you'll ever catch me in public wearing my pajamas.
Why?
Maybe it's because my grandmother would have literally died of embarrassment if she had seen me wearing my jammies in public.
Maybe it's because my parents never let us do it even when we were little.
But really, it's because I'm a fat person. And as such, I feel this overwhelming burden to change people's perception of how people see me and other fat people. You see, in the media fat people are mostly portrayed as these slovenly, sloppy, stinky bottom dwellers. (Example: Homer Simpson and the People of Walmart website.)
That judgement pierces my heart. I don't want people to see me or my other fluffy girls/boys like that. We're so much more than some internet meme. So I feel like it's my duty to almost shock people into seeing that yes, a fat girl can be put together at all times. (And it's not like I'm that put together. Usually when I'm out in public, I'm wearing a nerdy tee, jeans and a cute scarf.) It's probably a bit of a warped pride issue on my part, but there you go. That's why you'll never see me wearing my pajamas out of the house...except for extreme emergencies like:
2. Camo As Fashion:
Look, I know. I live in Montana. We who live here are known for our outdoor loving ways. We hunt (well, I don't but a lot of other people do). We fish, We hike. We bike. And for some of those things, camouflage outerwear is a necessary piece of equipment. But people, when did camo go from being something you only wore at hunting camp to becoming a fashion/home decor statement? Am I alone in thinking that this camo fad had gone too far?
Think I'm crazy and it can't really be that bad? Here's a short list of camo themed items I've seen just in the past few months:
And don't get me started on Pink Camo. What's the point of it?? What are you trying to hide from? The Evil Pepto-Bismol Fairy? Is your husband so in love with camo that the only way to get him to notice you is to wear something in a lovely shade of Naughty Oak? (Ha! See what I did there?! Puns e'rywhere!) If that's the case, then we may have a bigger problem here.
Could we just...how about...just...NO.
Please. Stop. Let poor Camo have a rest. Let it stay where it should be, The Land of Hunting Season, and after that let it hibernate, my friends. In the immortal words of Lennon and McCarthey, "Let it be."
3. People Who Visit a Foreign Country and Refuse to Partake In the Local Food Scene:
It's no secret that I'm a foodie. It's also no secret that I dream of traveling the world. I mean just take a peek at my Pinterest boards, and other than an overabundance of Supernatural themed posts and brownie recipes, you'll see that it's absolutely plastered with pictures of places I want to see.
But unfortunately, I suffer from an illness called "Lackofmoneyitis" so until I find a cure for this devastating disease, I'm stuck here in good ol' NW MT.
So whenever someone I know does get the opportunity to travel abroad, I instantly pester them with questions like: "HOW WAS THE FOOD???? WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LOCAL BREAD LIKE? OH MY GOSH, WHAT WAS THE BEST STREET FOOD YOU FOUND??"
Some people will say things like, "Oh my heavens, you should have seen all the varieties of dim sum we ate in X'ian!" or "You've never had a croissant until you buy it from a little patisserie on Rue de Vouille. It's life changing!" Then I sigh with longing mixed with a touch of envy, and promise myself "One day, Manda. One day..."
But then there are the others that are all, "Well. We were worried about all the parasites you can ingest from local food and didn't want a stomach bug to ruin our trip. So we just stuck with safe American franchises. You know KFC, Applebees, and Starbucks." And I just stare at them like:
Movie Soundtrack (I don't
care what any hardcore Broadway
fans say, I love Gerard Butler in this
version.)
1. Pajamas In Public:
Why? Just why? Is it really so hard to put a pair of jeans on before you run to the grocery store? Really? You honestly think it's appropriate to show up for your eye exam appointment still wearing your Sponge Bob/Deadpool/Betty Boop fleece jammy bottoms?
C'mon people, take a little pride in your appearance. There is no way on God's green earth you'll ever catch me in public wearing my pajamas.
Why?
Maybe it's because my grandmother would have literally died of embarrassment if she had seen me wearing my jammies in public.
Maybe it's because my parents never let us do it even when we were little.
But really, it's because I'm a fat person. And as such, I feel this overwhelming burden to change people's perception of how people see me and other fat people. You see, in the media fat people are mostly portrayed as these slovenly, sloppy, stinky bottom dwellers. (Example: Homer Simpson and the People of Walmart website.)
That judgement pierces my heart. I don't want people to see me or my other fluffy girls/boys like that. We're so much more than some internet meme. So I feel like it's my duty to almost shock people into seeing that yes, a fat girl can be put together at all times. (And it's not like I'm that put together. Usually when I'm out in public, I'm wearing a nerdy tee, jeans and a cute scarf.) It's probably a bit of a warped pride issue on my part, but there you go. That's why you'll never see me wearing my pajamas out of the house...except for extreme emergencies like:
- It's 2am. Your (or yourself if you're single) kid puked all over himself, and your wife/husband sent you to Walmart to get Lysol and ginger ale.
- Your house burnt down and you literally have no other clothes.
- You're at the ER because you cut off your thumb while dicing tomatoes during a late night salsa making session.
2. Camo As Fashion:
Look, I know. I live in Montana. We who live here are known for our outdoor loving ways. We hunt (well, I don't but a lot of other people do). We fish, We hike. We bike. And for some of those things, camouflage outerwear is a necessary piece of equipment. But people, when did camo go from being something you only wore at hunting camp to becoming a fashion/home decor statement? Am I alone in thinking that this camo fad had gone too far?
Think I'm crazy and it can't really be that bad? Here's a short list of camo themed items I've seen just in the past few months:
- Camo Wedding Dresses
- Camo Prom Dresses
- Camo Dinnerwear
- Camo Curtains
- Camo Suits/Tuxedos
- Camo Underwear (including the retina searing sight of camo bras and thongs.)
- Camo Bedding
- Camo Silverwear
- Camo Eyewear
- Camo Purses (encrusted in rhinestones no less. I may be a camo purse, but I'm still girly, dang it!)
- Camo Backpacks/Fanny/packs/Messenger bags/Duffel bags
- Camo Headwear
- Camo Furniture/Carpet/Wallpaper
And don't get me started on Pink Camo. What's the point of it?? What are you trying to hide from? The Evil Pepto-Bismol Fairy? Is your husband so in love with camo that the only way to get him to notice you is to wear something in a lovely shade of Naughty Oak? (Ha! See what I did there?! Puns e'rywhere!) If that's the case, then we may have a bigger problem here.
Could we just...how about...just...NO.
Please. Stop. Let poor Camo have a rest. Let it stay where it should be, The Land of Hunting Season, and after that let it hibernate, my friends. In the immortal words of Lennon and McCarthey, "Let it be."
3. People Who Visit a Foreign Country and Refuse to Partake In the Local Food Scene:
It's no secret that I'm a foodie. It's also no secret that I dream of traveling the world. I mean just take a peek at my Pinterest boards, and other than an overabundance of Supernatural themed posts and brownie recipes, you'll see that it's absolutely plastered with pictures of places I want to see.
But unfortunately, I suffer from an illness called "Lackofmoneyitis" so until I find a cure for this devastating disease, I'm stuck here in good ol' NW MT.
So whenever someone I know does get the opportunity to travel abroad, I instantly pester them with questions like: "HOW WAS THE FOOD???? WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LOCAL BREAD LIKE? OH MY GOSH, WHAT WAS THE BEST STREET FOOD YOU FOUND??"
Some people will say things like, "Oh my heavens, you should have seen all the varieties of dim sum we ate in X'ian!" or "You've never had a croissant until you buy it from a little patisserie on Rue de Vouille. It's life changing!" Then I sigh with longing mixed with a touch of envy, and promise myself "One day, Manda. One day..."
But then there are the others that are all, "Well. We were worried about all the parasites you can ingest from local food and didn't want a stomach bug to ruin our trip. So we just stuck with safe American franchises. You know KFC, Applebees, and Starbucks." And I just stare at them like:
All right, Helen, and I bet you never left your all inclusive resort either, you socks with sandals, visor wearing weirdo. What's the point of traveling if you aren't going to immerse yourself in a culture?? Stop being such a stereotypical ugly American tourist, and try soaking in your surroundings for a change, Mildred. Do you know how much I crave being where you just were?
And NEWS FLASH: Starbucks coffee comes from a factory made concentrate and KFC's food all comes to them precooked. You're going to turn down an authentic foodie experience for some pre-made swill?!
C'mon Frances, take your Pepcid, and live a little, why don't ya? Life's too short to worry about a bit of salmonella.
Okay guys, that's it for this edition of Things I Just Don't Understand. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some camo loving friends and relatives to hide from... Bye!
Saturday, February 11, 2017
INFJ Representing
Music: Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin
Love Lost by The Temper Trap
On & On by Plts
"Well, I'm an introvert so-"
"Wait. What?! You're an introvert?! I would have never have guessed it! But-but... you like talk to people, and do things...outside...and with other people! You seem so... friendly!"
How many times have I had this conversation? Way too many. No seriously, way too many times.
And honestly, I'm a bit tired of it. So to all you people out there that I've had this conversation with, it's time for a little education.
Ready?
Here it is (prepare to have your mind blown):
NOT ALL INTROVERTS ARE CREATED EQUAL.
I KNOW!! Crazy isn't it?!
In all seriousness, if you didn't know this, it's okay. Only about 4 or 5 years ago, I had the same mindset. I didn't know where I fit in! I knew I was an introvert, but I really didn't fit the stereotypical "never talks to anyone, always wants to be alone, doesn't want anything to do with people in real life, lives in their parents basement, and can't hold a decent conversation with anyone" that's always portrayed in tv and movies.
I have introverted tendencies, but not everything about me is "classic" introvert..
I like talking to people. (Though if you talk to me for any length of time there is sure to be at least one awkward moment in the conversation. Just a warning.), but I like listening to people more.
I don't live in a basement, but I can't handle having more than one roommate
I like helping people, but I prefer to do it behind the scenes. Example: At a wedding, I won't be the person making sure everyone is having a good time and trying to get them on the dance floor. (And please, for the love of Dean and Sam, don't try to get me on the dance floor. Manda no dancey in public, mmmkay?) I'll be the person clearing tables, and refilling the appetizer trays.
I like going to group activities, but only if I know there is someone else there that I know really well. (And I have to continually lecture myself not to latch on to them, and follow them around like a sad puppy.) I'll also probably be the first person to go home, because my brain is screaming at me for a bit of quiet.
I like making everyone feel welcome, but I only truly open up to a select few.
I get easily lost in my own little world, but I also observe really well. Sometimes to the point of creepily knowing what people will say before they say it.
I'm quiet, but get me around people I feel comfortable with? It can be scary how annoying and loud I can get.
I like spending time with people, but I love me my alone time.
My perfect evening involves making a bite of dinner followed by binge session of Supernatural, then a little Tumblr/Pinterest blogging time, maybe a little writing, and topped off with yelling at the cat.
But my perfect evening can also be a dinner and coffee date with my besties, or it could be going to a movie with my family.
I like being nice, but if you're trying to schmooze me, sell me on something, or if I decide I just don't care for you, oh boy! The ice queen comes out, and I will dig in my heels so deep and stonewall until the cows come home.
Talk about feeling confused! I felt like an enigma wrapped in a mystery swaddled in a conundrum. Hence why people always seem baffled by me.
This went on until the middle brother told me about a test he had taken that identified him as an introvert too. The test was the Meyers-Briggs personality test. So I figured what the heck, and I decided to take it myself.
I'm sure a few of you have heard of the Meyers-Briggs personality test. If not, it's a series of questions you answer, and at the end it will tell you not only if you're an extrovert or introvert, but also what personality type you are. Did you know that there are 16 possible personality types! Whaaaaaaaaa???
After taking it, I found out that I'm an INFJ.
Now you may be saying "A what? You're a jumble of letters?"
Let me break it down for you:
I - Introverted - Duh.
N - iNtuitive - The ability to know what people are going to say before they say it and if you're trying to sell me on something.
F - Feeling - Helping, Friendly, Caring. Empathetic.
J - Judging - Stubbornness (to which my family says a hearty amen), Punctuality, Task focused.
Love Lost by The Temper Trap
On & On by Plts
"Well, I'm an introvert so-"
"Wait. What?! You're an introvert?! I would have never have guessed it! But-but... you like talk to people, and do things...outside...and with other people! You seem so... friendly!"
How many times have I had this conversation? Way too many. No seriously, way too many times.
And honestly, I'm a bit tired of it. So to all you people out there that I've had this conversation with, it's time for a little education.
Ready?
Here it is (prepare to have your mind blown):
NOT ALL INTROVERTS ARE CREATED EQUAL.
I KNOW!! Crazy isn't it?!
In all seriousness, if you didn't know this, it's okay. Only about 4 or 5 years ago, I had the same mindset. I didn't know where I fit in! I knew I was an introvert, but I really didn't fit the stereotypical "never talks to anyone, always wants to be alone, doesn't want anything to do with people in real life, lives in their parents basement, and can't hold a decent conversation with anyone" that's always portrayed in tv and movies.
I have introverted tendencies, but not everything about me is "classic" introvert..
I like talking to people. (Though if you talk to me for any length of time there is sure to be at least one awkward moment in the conversation. Just a warning.), but I like listening to people more.
I don't live in a basement, but I can't handle having more than one roommate
I like helping people, but I prefer to do it behind the scenes. Example: At a wedding, I won't be the person making sure everyone is having a good time and trying to get them on the dance floor. (And please, for the love of Dean and Sam, don't try to get me on the dance floor. Manda no dancey in public, mmmkay?) I'll be the person clearing tables, and refilling the appetizer trays.
I like going to group activities, but only if I know there is someone else there that I know really well. (And I have to continually lecture myself not to latch on to them, and follow them around like a sad puppy.) I'll also probably be the first person to go home, because my brain is screaming at me for a bit of quiet.
I like making everyone feel welcome, but I only truly open up to a select few.
I get easily lost in my own little world, but I also observe really well. Sometimes to the point of creepily knowing what people will say before they say it.
I'm quiet, but get me around people I feel comfortable with? It can be scary how annoying and loud I can get.
I like spending time with people, but I love me my alone time.
My perfect evening involves making a bite of dinner followed by binge session of Supernatural, then a little Tumblr/Pinterest blogging time, maybe a little writing, and topped off with yelling at the cat.
But my perfect evening can also be a dinner and coffee date with my besties, or it could be going to a movie with my family.
I like being nice, but if you're trying to schmooze me, sell me on something, or if I decide I just don't care for you, oh boy! The ice queen comes out, and I will dig in my heels so deep and stonewall until the cows come home.
Talk about feeling confused! I felt like an enigma wrapped in a mystery swaddled in a conundrum. Hence why people always seem baffled by me.
This went on until the middle brother told me about a test he had taken that identified him as an introvert too. The test was the Meyers-Briggs personality test. So I figured what the heck, and I decided to take it myself.
I'm sure a few of you have heard of the Meyers-Briggs personality test. If not, it's a series of questions you answer, and at the end it will tell you not only if you're an extrovert or introvert, but also what personality type you are. Did you know that there are 16 possible personality types! Whaaaaaaaaa???
After taking it, I found out that I'm an INFJ.
Now you may be saying "A what? You're a jumble of letters?"
Let me break it down for you:
I - Introverted - Duh.
N - iNtuitive - The ability to know what people are going to say before they say it and if you're trying to sell me on something.
F - Feeling - Helping, Friendly, Caring. Empathetic.
J - Judging - Stubbornness (to which my family says a hearty amen), Punctuality, Task focused.
Finding out that I'm an INFJ was one of the most illuminating experiences ever. Someone finally put it into words what I'd been feeling all this years. Thank heavens!
Here's a little infograph about my personality.
It doesn't make me any weirder, oh lawdy, not all, but at least I understand myself more.
(So much truth)
I finally feel like I have a handle on who I am. A lot of the time, I still feel like I'm out of place, but at least I know that there are others out there like me. Praise the Lord, for me, but, I'm so sorry to the rest of world that there are more weirdos out there like me.
But you what? I'm an INFJ, and I'm good with that.
INFJ in the da house, yo.
P.S. If you're interested in taking the Meyer's Briggs test yourself, here the link to the same test I took: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
P.P.S. If you do take the test, please feel free to share your personality type with me. I would love to hear your results!
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Things I Just Don't Understand: Holiday Edition
Music: Linus and Lucy by Vince Guaraldi
Arabesque Cookie by Duke Ellington
Sugar Rum Cherry by Duke Ellington
Elf On the Shelf
Okay, who in the name of Frosty the Snowman thought up such a weird, honestly super creepy tradition??
A floppy, dead eyed elf that only comes alive at night, leaving mischief and mayhem in his wake. Oh sure, sometimes he leaves little gifts, but only after he hurls a bag of flour across the kitchen or dyes the milk blood red.
I mean, if it was any other creature in folklore other than an elf, this would be grounds for a horror movie!
Oh sure, I can hear all the excuses:
1. But he's so cute!
2. The kids love all his pranks!
3. He only does things that are a little naughty.
4. And the kids love his little presents, and it makes it seem like Christmas lasts the whole month!
5. Oh lighten up, you old Grinch. You'll understand when you get kids.
To which I say a big fat nope to all!
1. That glassy eyed Chucky wannabe is not cute. Evil maybe, but not cute.
2. If your kid tried to pull the pranks that gnome "pulls", they would be grounded for a month straight.
3. A little naughty is still naughty. Do you want to teach your kids that it's okay to be naughty?
4. Parents, the holidays are a bat crap crazy busy time. Do you really need to add buying more gifts and having to remember to move a stuffed toy to a different locale every day to your already lengthy list?
5. Pretty sure having kids is off my plate, so I guess I'll never understand. Oh shucky darn. Grinch out.
So if this creature ever shows up at my house, I'm calling the Winchesters Boys ASAP to come exorcise this little demon. *runs out to buy all the salt in the grocery store*
Arabesque Cookie by Duke Ellington
Sugar Rum Cherry by Duke Ellington
Elf On the Shelf
Okay, who in the name of Frosty the Snowman thought up such a weird, honestly super creepy tradition??
A floppy, dead eyed elf that only comes alive at night, leaving mischief and mayhem in his wake. Oh sure, sometimes he leaves little gifts, but only after he hurls a bag of flour across the kitchen or dyes the milk blood red.
I mean, if it was any other creature in folklore other than an elf, this would be grounds for a horror movie!
(Seriously creepy...)
Oh sure, I can hear all the excuses:
1. But he's so cute!
2. The kids love all his pranks!
3. He only does things that are a little naughty.
4. And the kids love his little presents, and it makes it seem like Christmas lasts the whole month!
5. Oh lighten up, you old Grinch. You'll understand when you get kids.
To which I say a big fat nope to all!
1. That glassy eyed Chucky wannabe is not cute. Evil maybe, but not cute.
2. If your kid tried to pull the pranks that gnome "pulls", they would be grounded for a month straight.
3. A little naughty is still naughty. Do you want to teach your kids that it's okay to be naughty?
4. Parents, the holidays are a bat crap crazy busy time. Do you really need to add buying more gifts and having to remember to move a stuffed toy to a different locale every day to your already lengthy list?
5. Pretty sure having kids is off my plate, so I guess I'll never understand. Oh shucky darn. Grinch out.
So if this creature ever shows up at my house, I'm calling the Winchesters Boys ASAP to come exorcise this little demon. *runs out to buy all the salt in the grocery store*
(Just try telling me that he's not just waiting to suck your soul from your body while you sleep. Just try.)
Santa Baby
Shudder. This song. The lyrics...that quasi-Betty Boop voice that every single artist uses no matter who they are that covers it...the sappy schmaltzy tune... Everything about it makes me want to toss my cookies.
Even if you could get past the nausea inducing baby voice and sickeningly sweet tune, the lyrics are awful. No, for reals they are! Have you actually taken the time to listen to them? They're awful! It's sounds like most spoiled, entitled brat in the world wrote them. Here's a little sample in case you've never paid attention to what they say:
The Polar Express
If the award for most annoying Christmas song goes to Santa Baby then the prize for most detested Christmas movie goes (insert drumroll here)...The Polar Express!
Blech, this movie. I really don't understand the appeal. I know tons of people love it though. They all get in their matching footie jammies, have hot cocoa and cookies, and watch it as a family. Some towns go all out, designate a train to be "the Polar Express" on Christmas Eve, and give all the local kiddies a ride on it.
You may be saying:
But it's such a sweet, harmless movie! How can you hate it?! It's all about a little boy finding his Christmas spirit!
Well since you asked, here's my list of why I can't handle this movie:
1. That kid and his stupid bell. He makes me scream at my tv screen, "Just tie your stupid, dang bell around your wrist and leave it there! Stop playing with it for the love of eggnog!!"
2. I love me some Tom Hanks, but not in this movie.
3. Steven Tyler as an elf is just strange and more than a little disturbing.
4. The main reason I don't like it is...it's incredibly boring. Nothing really happens in this movie! Sure, sure, it's about a young boy coming to realize that the joy and miracle of Christmas can be find within, but they take what could be a five minute short, and make it into a ninety minute production. The Peanuts Gang told us the same thing, and it was way funnier and sweeter. Plus, they only took 25 minutes to do it.
So no thank you to The Polar Express and file it under Christmas Movies I Don't Care If I Ever See Again along with A Christmas Story and Bad Santa.
Anyone have any holiday traditions that everyone else seems to love, but you just can't understand? As always hit me up in the comments!
Merry Christmas, friends!
Even if you could get past the nausea inducing baby voice and sickeningly sweet tune, the lyrics are awful. No, for reals they are! Have you actually taken the time to listen to them? They're awful! It's sounds like most spoiled, entitled brat in the world wrote them. Here's a little sample in case you've never paid attention to what they say:
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed
Next year I could be as good
If you'll check off my Christmas list.
Santa Baby, I want a yacht
And really, that's not a lot
Been an angel all year
So Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, there's one little thing I really need
The deed
To a platinum mine
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Ugh. Insert biggest eye roll here. So awful.
(Thank you for the perfect eyeroll, my Nine)
So yeah, Santa Baby is definitely my least favorite Christmas song followed closely by Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer and Baby, It's Cold Outside, but because it's Christmas I'll spare you the diatribe on those two until next year.
The Polar Express
If the award for most annoying Christmas song goes to Santa Baby then the prize for most detested Christmas movie goes (insert drumroll here)...The Polar Express!
Blech, this movie. I really don't understand the appeal. I know tons of people love it though. They all get in their matching footie jammies, have hot cocoa and cookies, and watch it as a family. Some towns go all out, designate a train to be "the Polar Express" on Christmas Eve, and give all the local kiddies a ride on it.
You may be saying:
But it's such a sweet, harmless movie! How can you hate it?! It's all about a little boy finding his Christmas spirit!
Well since you asked, here's my list of why I can't handle this movie:
1. That kid and his stupid bell. He makes me scream at my tv screen, "Just tie your stupid, dang bell around your wrist and leave it there! Stop playing with it for the love of eggnog!!"
2. I love me some Tom Hanks, but not in this movie.
3. Steven Tyler as an elf is just strange and more than a little disturbing.
4. The main reason I don't like it is...it's incredibly boring. Nothing really happens in this movie! Sure, sure, it's about a young boy coming to realize that the joy and miracle of Christmas can be find within, but they take what could be a five minute short, and make it into a ninety minute production. The Peanuts Gang told us the same thing, and it was way funnier and sweeter. Plus, they only took 25 minutes to do it.
So no thank you to The Polar Express and file it under Christmas Movies I Don't Care If I Ever See Again along with A Christmas Story and Bad Santa.
Anyone have any holiday traditions that everyone else seems to love, but you just can't understand? As always hit me up in the comments!
Merry Christmas, friends!
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
The Official Guide To Wintertime in Montana
Music: I'm Caving In by Leopold and His Fiction
Lone Digger by Caravan Palace
A Million and One Things To Do - Instrumental Version by Time Machine
Well friends, it's happened once again. Winter has taken residence in my corner of Montana, and won't be leaving for the next 4-6 months
But...isn't winter only supposed to last 3 months??
Oh my poor, sweet summer child...in most parts of the country, yes, but here in good old NW MT, we can have snow piles still sitting around until the end of April...sometimes even until May. In fact, I went on a hike in the Jewel Basin just this July, and we were still crossing snow fields. So yeah, winter never really seems to leave us here.
So in honor of our seasonal guest that's kind of like that one relative who never leaves even though they promise to only stay for a week, here's an Official Guide To Winter In Montana.
Here we go:
Dainty, cute shoes like flats, sandals and anything with a heel taller than 3/4 of an inch are traded in for footwear with alluring adjectives like "Snow Resistant", "Good For -40 F", and "Ice Proof Tread".
Your front porch becomes your second refrigerator, and when it drops to below zero, it doubles as an alternate freezer.
You abandon your usual workout for the newest fitness craze, Snow Shoveling 24/7.
You slip on a patch of ice and think to yourself "This is it. This is how I die."
You step outside to start your car for the daily "15 minute prior to departure" warm up, think "Nice! It's not so bad out here today!", and then look at your phone, "Oh. Well, crap."
You lose countless socks to the deep, dark abyss that is your snow boots.
A balmy day is anything above 25 F.
Tights or leggings are completely acceptable to wear with anything and everything.
Scarves become less about fashion and more about function.
The snow pack at our local ski resort gets more attention than the latest celebrity gossip.
Conversations that start with "You think this is a lot of snow?! You should been here for the winter of '96! Now that was a lot snow!" are overheard at the grocery store.
Frozen Booger Syndrome
The backseat of your car carries the enough winter apparel for three people, and you're the only one who's ever in it. But you've always got an extra pair of gloves just in case!
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Look is the only fashion trend you need to rock.
You begin to fantasize about swimming in lotion filled pools because your skin is so freaking dry all the dang time.
You go to work in the dark and come home the dark, and slowly begin to feel yourself morphing into some kind of bizarre Mole Person type creature.
You also begin to identify with vampires because the rare sunlight you do see burns your eyes. IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS! (yes, I realize that was Gollum not a vampire, but just go with it.)
Static. So. Much. Static.
Ski bums e'rywhere.
Hairsicles aka going outside with wet hair and having your hair freeze solid.
But the best part about winter?
You get to begin your winter shaving hiatus!!!! Let the happy Snoopy dancing begin!
I know. I know. I'm talking about my love of being free from my follicle maintenance duties in winter again. And yes, I can already hear the reactions.
Ew. Are you really talking about how much you love taking a break from shaving again?! That's so gross. No wonder you're still single!!
To which I reply:
Feel free to add any additions to the winter guide in the comments!
Lone Digger by Caravan Palace
A Million and One Things To Do - Instrumental Version by Time Machine
Well friends, it's happened once again. Winter has taken residence in my corner of Montana, and won't be leaving for the next 4-6 months
But...isn't winter only supposed to last 3 months??
Oh my poor, sweet summer child...in most parts of the country, yes, but here in good old NW MT, we can have snow piles still sitting around until the end of April...sometimes even until May. In fact, I went on a hike in the Jewel Basin just this July, and we were still crossing snow fields. So yeah, winter never really seems to leave us here.
So in honor of our seasonal guest that's kind of like that one relative who never leaves even though they promise to only stay for a week, here's an Official Guide To Winter In Montana.
Here we go:
Dainty, cute shoes like flats, sandals and anything with a heel taller than 3/4 of an inch are traded in for footwear with alluring adjectives like "Snow Resistant", "Good For -40 F", and "Ice Proof Tread".
Your front porch becomes your second refrigerator, and when it drops to below zero, it doubles as an alternate freezer.
You abandon your usual workout for the newest fitness craze, Snow Shoveling 24/7.
You slip on a patch of ice and think to yourself "This is it. This is how I die."
You step outside to start your car for the daily "15 minute prior to departure" warm up, think "Nice! It's not so bad out here today!", and then look at your phone, "Oh. Well, crap."
You lose countless socks to the deep, dark abyss that is your snow boots.
A balmy day is anything above 25 F.
Tights or leggings are completely acceptable to wear with anything and everything.
Scarves become less about fashion and more about function.
The snow pack at our local ski resort gets more attention than the latest celebrity gossip.
Conversations that start with "You think this is a lot of snow?! You should been here for the winter of '96! Now that was a lot snow!" are overheard at the grocery store.
Frozen Booger Syndrome
The backseat of your car carries the enough winter apparel for three people, and you're the only one who's ever in it. But you've always got an extra pair of gloves just in case!
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Look is the only fashion trend you need to rock.
You begin to fantasize about swimming in lotion filled pools because your skin is so freaking dry all the dang time.
(It's a Doctor Who reference for the uneducated.)
You go to work in the dark and come home the dark, and slowly begin to feel yourself morphing into some kind of bizarre Mole Person type creature.
You also begin to identify with vampires because the rare sunlight you do see burns your eyes. IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS! (yes, I realize that was Gollum not a vampire, but just go with it.)
Static. So. Much. Static.
Ski bums e'rywhere.
Hairsicles aka going outside with wet hair and having your hair freeze solid.
But the best part about winter?
You get to begin your winter shaving hiatus!!!! Let the happy Snoopy dancing begin!
I know. I know. I'm talking about my love of being free from my follicle maintenance duties in winter again. And yes, I can already hear the reactions.
Ew. Are you really talking about how much you love taking a break from shaving again?! That's so gross. No wonder you're still single!!
To which I reply:
- If guys can have No Shave November, than we ladies who have over triple the amount of property to shave can certainly have No Shave Winter. Really, it's only fair.
- If being All Smooth All The Time is one of the major requirements to being in a relationship than praise the good Lord above that I'm still single.
- Neener neener, pumpkin eater! I really don't care if you think I'm gross. At least my legs stay warmer than yours!
So there.
But for all my complaining about winter, it's all worth it for views like this...
But for all my complaining about winter, it's all worth it for views like this...
Feel free to add any additions to the winter guide in the comments!
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Don't. Do. It.
Okay, this is a call out post to all my fellow Christians, and specifically those Christians whose candidate won the Presidential election this year.
I'm only addressing you guys on this one.
Guys. It's only the first day after the election, and I'm already sick to my stomach with some of the things I've seen posted on social media.
Look, I get it. The guy you voted for won, and you want to celebrate. I understand that, and it's fine.
But.
The gloating, the sneering, the hatred, the bigotry and the sheer ugliness I've seen from fellow believers, and from people I personally know is disgusting. It makes me want to delete every social media platform I'm on.
And before I go any further, and someone accuses me of being a Clinton supporter, I did not vote for Hillary Clinton. I also did not vote for Donald Trump. Yes, I'm one of those despised third party voters, and let me to tell you, the vitriol being spewed at voters like me rivals the hate that the Liberal Left and the Conservative Right are currently throwing at each other. It has been quite the learning experience. Hooooo buddy, let me tell you what.
All right, now that we have that cleared that up
All I want to do is smack these people upside the head, and scream "Really?! REALLY?! This is how you behave? You say you're a believer, and this is you showing the love of Christ to others. Grow. UP."
You mock the people who say about Trump "He's not my president!", but you have the same exact phrase about President Obama plastered on your truck's bumper.
You say, "We need to fix this divide in our country!" with one breath, and then post gloating hatred on your Facebook wall with the other.
You're right. They do, and it's not right. But just because they it do doesn't give you the right to do it.
"But I have freedom of speech! I have that right! I can say whatever I want! It's a free country!"
Again you're right. We are blessed enough to live in a country where we can voice our opinions, but we who claim to be Christians answer to a much Higher Authority, and He calls us to:
Friends, I know it's hard, but we must do it. We commanded by Christ to do it. We cry for unity, but if it doesn't start with us, the children of God, who will it start with?
Do you really want to be the "Ugly Christian" that the world too often sees, and hates?
Is posting a meme about the warrior Trump cutting the head off of Medusa Clinton really worth ruining your testimony to others?
We are to be light and hope to a dying world, and yet some of us are mocking the people who are honestly scared for their lives right now.
I think one of my favorite rappers said best it on his Twitter today:
"I would NEVER be mad at how someone votes. Whoever our country elects is MY president. I will honor them. But don't gloat. Empathy...please." - Heath McNease
Don't do it, guys. Don't give into it. Please. I'm begging you. I'm pleading with you to be the bigger person, and don't give into all this hatred, bigotry, and gloating.
If you do, you're no better than the Prius driving liberal who claims that all Christians are a bunch ignorant hypocrites.
DON'T. DO. IT.
I'm only addressing you guys on this one.
Guys. It's only the first day after the election, and I'm already sick to my stomach with some of the things I've seen posted on social media.
Look, I get it. The guy you voted for won, and you want to celebrate. I understand that, and it's fine.
But.
The gloating, the sneering, the hatred, the bigotry and the sheer ugliness I've seen from fellow believers, and from people I personally know is disgusting. It makes me want to delete every social media platform I'm on.
And before I go any further, and someone accuses me of being a Clinton supporter, I did not vote for Hillary Clinton. I also did not vote for Donald Trump. Yes, I'm one of those despised third party voters, and let me to tell you, the vitriol being spewed at voters like me rivals the hate that the Liberal Left and the Conservative Right are currently throwing at each other. It has been quite the learning experience. Hooooo buddy, let me tell you what.
All right, now that we have that cleared that up
All I want to do is smack these people upside the head, and scream "Really?! REALLY?! This is how you behave? You say you're a believer, and this is you showing the love of Christ to others. Grow. UP."
You mock the people who say about Trump "He's not my president!", but you have the same exact phrase about President Obama plastered on your truck's bumper.
You say, "We need to fix this divide in our country!" with one breath, and then post gloating hatred on your Facebook wall with the other.
I can already hear the whining "But the liberals do it all the time about us."
"But I have freedom of speech! I have that right! I can say whatever I want! It's a free country!"
Again you're right. We are blessed enough to live in a country where we can voice our opinions, but we who claim to be Christians answer to a much Higher Authority, and He calls us to:
- Turn the other cheek even when others are hurting us. (Luke 6:29)
- Be kind others because He was kind to us, and if we are not, He will cut us off. (Romans 11:22)
- Speak kindly to those who talk bad about us. (1 Corinthians 4:13)
- Live quiet, peaceful lives with our neighbors. (1 Timothy 2:2)
- Love each other. (Matthew 19:19)
- Have love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22)
- Forgive tirelessly. (Luke 17:4)
Friends, I know it's hard, but we must do it. We commanded by Christ to do it. We cry for unity, but if it doesn't start with us, the children of God, who will it start with?
Do you really want to be the "Ugly Christian" that the world too often sees, and hates?
Is posting a meme about the warrior Trump cutting the head off of Medusa Clinton really worth ruining your testimony to others?
We are to be light and hope to a dying world, and yet some of us are mocking the people who are honestly scared for their lives right now.
I think one of my favorite rappers said best it on his Twitter today:
"I would NEVER be mad at how someone votes. Whoever our country elects is MY president. I will honor them. But don't gloat. Empathy...please." - Heath McNease
Don't do it, guys. Don't give into it. Please. I'm begging you. I'm pleading with you to be the bigger person, and don't give into all this hatred, bigotry, and gloating.
If you do, you're no better than the Prius driving liberal who claims that all Christians are a bunch ignorant hypocrites.
DON'T. DO. IT.
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